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Ode to the Girl I Was
Haven't blogged for awhile. Just haven't been feeling it. Wondering what to blog about....so here's a topic for you:
Facebook.
What a strange, strange world. I resisting joining Facebook for a looooong time. And I'm still a wee bit embarassed that I finally caved and joined (though, truth be told, I had an ulterior motive: setting up a page for my business). But, that being said.....it's been kind of fun.
I've caught up with old friends from high school and college that I haven't seen or talked to in YEARS.....and that I wouldn't have had any contact with otherwise. It's been fun to see where their lives have gone...and of course, the morbid curiosity bit fulfilled on some people that I'm not sure qualify as friends, but that I'm wondering about anyway. It's definitely made me think about myself in a different way. The people I'm catching up with knew a girl that sometimes I hardly even remember. It makes me miss who I was before my child. Sometimes I still find traces of her, if I examine myself and my life long enough. But mostly....I feel like I don't have much to tell them when they ask me what I'm up to now. They knew a girl who was ambitious, introspective, quirky, assertive, academically dedicated, feisty, adventurous, slightly zaney, exuberant, loyal, and unabashedly marching to the beat of her own drum. (Well, maybe that's the girl people in college knew....high school acquaintances may not have fully known that girl.) I find myself wanting to give these old friends a long list of all the things I did, all the goals I accomplished, etc., before I had my son. I am fully aware that being Dallin's mommy is the most important role I will ever fulfill. And I always wanted to be a mother, I did. But.....
I really liked that girl I was in college. It's not that I don't like who I am now.......I just think I like The Girl I Was better.
12 comments:
I think I understand. I love life as a Mommy, but a lot of times feel like I've kind of lost "me." Instead of being me, I'm Mom. It's almost like the two can't coexist. Or maybe that I'm just not making enough effort for them to coexist. But the reality is that in some ways they just can't. Hence why I had a major identity crisis when I quit teaching 2 years ago to be a full-time Mommy. And hence why I tend to feel a constant pressure or yearning or whatever the right word is (sometimes it's a good feeling and other times it's a depressing one so I'm not sure what word to use to describe it) to be doing something to better myself for fear of standing still forever now that I'm not a student or a teacher or a lot of the things that I used to be. I love your old pictures...in this era of life, 99% of my photos are of my child. That's not bad, but kind of sad sometimes. I'm no longer the star of the show. Being a parent is definitely an incredibly selfless journey. Good thing it's a rewarding one. :)
I can't imagine you being the amazing woman you are now without being the girl you were before. I know what you mean though. It is like all of a sudden your life has a paradigm shift, and who you knew as you suddenly isn't who you are anymore. But personally, I really like who you are now.
Hopefully we can rediscover the girls we were in a few weeks. It will be a nice break from the realities of life.
Oh my gosh!! The disco picture!! That was a fun night getting ready for the dance. I also feel like a completely different person, and sometimes really miss who I used to be. Life sure takes us places we wouldn't expect to go and changes us in ways we would have never thought.
Nick and I have talked about this a bit... and to be honest I like the person I am now better than who I was in high school, but college is a different story. I liked that person a lot, and sometimes I turn to Nick and say "we barely knew each other when we got married. Good thing we grow together, eh?" Isn't it interesting how we change over time? Sometimes the best medicine for me is to talk to a friend that loved me before and after I was a mom. They keep me grounded. :-)
I'm sure I'm repeating everyone else's comments but I completely understand what you mean. I knew I always wanted to be a Mom, but I had no idea what it actually meant to become one.
Hopefully one day the girl inside of us will be able to come out a little more once the little ones are grown up. At least that is what I keep telling myself so I don't get too down on the fact that I'm not outgoing, and spontaneous like I used to be. (Yes, I used to be VERY outgoing and spontaneous, ask my Husband that's how I convinced him I was the one. )
That disco picture of us is hilarious! I SO miss those days! Although I'm glad I'm not the silly girl I was in high school, what I truly miss is the girlfriend/fiance/new wife I used to be. I don't have a problem finding ME in my new role as a mother, but I really struggle with the major shift in my relationship with my husband. I wish we could go back to US. When we were in Vegas last month we held hands everywhere we went and I was amazed at how differently I felt about my husband, and about myself when there was no toddler and all his junk to cart around, keeping our hands full. And eating meals alone....whoa! Life has a way of changing all the time and I now understand why everybody says marriage is hard. It actually takes effort to connect when pre-baby I never thought twice about it. Anyway...that's my take. I miss the carefree days of being single and childless but I have to say, I'm happier with my life and feel more fulfilled as a mother although I need to work on the wife/woman part of it.
I agree with everyone!
I do have a bone to pick with you though. Since the title of your blog is let's be honest I have one honest question....why is there no picture of us singing into our curling irons Enrique? :)
HAHAHA! Sorry, Shar, unfortunately, I was limited to the shots I already had scanned into the computer....but you had to know that would have been on there!:)
I think liking the ME we are right now is a decision. And a hard one. But progress is good. If our changes are not progress let's change something! :) Or pray to LIKE progress ... whichever comes first. :)
How fun is that to see a picture of the 3 of us, in all our costume glory! My sister as well as most of Stan's family are going to pageant this year. I totally understand where you are coming from. Being a mom is a huge adjustment. I love reading your blog, it is still so Heather!
Nothing more alarming than stumbling on a picture of yourself in disco gear (confession: I've worn those pants to work within the last year). We had good times in highschool. We don't have any kidlets yet but I'm sure the best years are yet to come.
Oh, sweetheart...you were a great girl then, but you are an incredible woman now!!! This is one of the reason I love to go back to BYU for Women's Conference, ED Week and football season, because I can pretend I am 'the girl I was in college'. We all want to go back to 'those great days' even if it was , oh dear, 35 years ago.
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