Heather and the Case of the Missing Identity

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The effect of Seasonal Affective Disorder on an already stressed life

I want to share something from my days as an undergraduate. For those of you who don’t remember, or never knew, my degree is in Psychology. In my Abnormal Psychology class, we studied all kinds of disorders…autism, schizophrenia, post traumatic stress disorder, eating disorders, and depression, to name a few. A form of depression I found particularly interesting was that of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Seasonal Affective Disorder (the acronym rather aptly being SAD) is a type of depression that follows the pattern of the seasons. Signs and symptoms include depression, hopelessness, anxiety, loss of energy, social withdrawal, and oversleeping, among others. The symptoms usually appear in the late fall/early winter, and go away in the spring and summer months. It is commonly called the “winter blues,” but those who have it are seriously affected by the changes in season; depending on the severity of the case, it can acutely affect their ability to function just as a case of clinical depression would.

While a bachelor’s degree in Psychology hardly qualifies me to make a diagnosis, especially a self-diagnosis, it does give me the background necessary to recognize signs and symptoms. I don’t presume to think that I have SAD; rather, I think I have the milder version known as subsyndromal SAD.

I came to this epiphany of sorts a few weeks ago, when we were having good weather. I was feeling great. For the first time in a long time, I felt hope. And I suddenly realized that not only had it been weeks since I had felt this way…I had ONLY felt this way when we had sun in the sky for a few days at a time.

I don’t claim that all my issues are because of the weather. That would be a complete fallacy. In digging through my old files, full of notes, handouts, and questionnaires, I also found the famous Holmes and Rahe Life Stress Test. I took it six times, sometimes checking everything that could possibly apply, sometimes checking only the bare minimum. A score of 300 or more indicates a high level of stress, and a high susceptibility to illness. I scored over 300 every time, no matter how I took the test. Not that I needed to take that test to know there has been A LOT going on in my life in the past year. I’ll spare you the list. But I think that my ability to cope has been greatly diminished by my reaction to the seasonal pattern here in Oregon.

The bottom line is I have been having a hard time. I haven’t shared that with many people. Perhaps that is part of the social withdrawal symptom of SAD. But I’ve never been that good at sharing this kind of thing with others. Some days it’s been all I can do to get out of bed. I’m always tired and lethargic. All I want to eat is carbs and sweets, but even so, I’ve lost a lot of weight. At first, that was exciting…losing the baby weight and getting back to my normal size. I was happy when my rather form fitting pair of tan “hot pants” fit again. Now they are baggy. But by far, the feelings of utter hopelessness have been the worst. Even my testimony has felt shaky to some extent. My sense of identity has not only been fleeting…it’s been gone. I’ve felt alone and lost. Mostly, I’ve felt despair.

There are a few things that have helped me. First, there is just the plain old necessity of caring for my son. Dallin needs me to feed him, change his diapers, bathe him, play with him, soothe his woes, put him down for naps, come rescue him when he cries in the night, put him in clean clothes, etc. His dependence on me has provided a reason to live. And he brings me joy and comfort. His sweet face helps me along.
Secondly, another support has been Landon. At first I had a hard time telling him how much I was struggling. I didn’t want to burden him. I didn’t want him to worry when he already had so much to do with law school. But he’s listened and not judged. He’s offered his compassion. He’s helped me through the particularly hard days.
Thirdly, knowing that a lot of my depression symptoms are due to things beyond my control (mostly the effects of SAD)…and that there will be an end fairly soon. Some days are bad enough that knowledge doesn’t make a difference. That is true of many serious mental illnesses. But with SAD, and in my case, on many days the knowledge can help.
Fourth, I’ve also started a search for my missing identity. I’m doing the things I once loved, and looking for new ways to develop my talents. I’m not seeking to recreate the old me, but rather trying to find the new one, and trying to like that new me as well.

I think my struggles have given me some valuable insights. Struggles usually do. The first is not to judge others. This is certainly not a new lesson, but another perspective of that time-old truth. Another is not allowing yourself to become complacent. “All is well in Zion.” Then suddenly, when things get difficult, you may not have the reserve of strength you need to get through. And last, but not least, it is okay to accept help, even just in the form of telling others of your difficulties. I still haven’t shared this with many people, other than my family…but over a month ago, I completely broke down and let it loose on my Romania girls. And they rose to the occasion. More than anything, just being able to tell them was the help I needed.

If any of you are curious and would like to know more, here’s a couple websites:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/seasonal-affective-disorder/DS00195

http://www.healthcentral.com/sleep-disorders/stress-test-3454-143.html