Where to start....

For those of you who are still wondering about my cryptic Facebook status, well...to be painfully honest, I had a miscarriage last week.

Health-wise, I'm doing fine.  Though agonizingly painful and utterly exhausting, everything went as it should for something as unfortunate as this, and for that I'm grateful.

Of course, the emotional element is a completely different story.  I've been to each of the 5 stages of grief and back multiple times.  It's hard to plan and hope for months, be over the moon at being pregnant, and then lose it.  But no matter how many desperate prayers I cried, it just wasn't time.  When it became painfully obvious what was happening, the kids could hear me sobbing in the bathroom.  It scared them.  Landon had come home from work at that point, and he tried to explain what was going on.  Dallin, who knew about the baby, and was so excited to have a younger brother (so he planned, anyway, despite how many times we told him that we didn't get to pick), came running in to me and said, "Mommy, did the baby die?"  Which of course sent me into sobs again, but we all climbed onto our bed, and I explained the best I could that this wasn't the right body for our baby, that he/she had gone back to Heavenly Father, and he/she would come to us again.  That simple explanation was enough for my four year old.  And honestly, putting it in such terms as that helped me too.  It doesn't make the pain go away completely, but it helps to understand it as my four year old does.

I'd say I'm dealing with it fairly well now, but I still have my moments.  Reading about friends who are pregnant (please don't misunderstand me, I am truly happy for you, and not even jealous of you...just sad that my womb is now empty), catching a glimpse of others' new babies and ultrasound photos when I went to see my doctor, seeing the little numbers I wrote in the corner of each Friday square of my calendar to track my weeks of pregnancy....all those things bring tears.  But tears, not gut wrenching sobs, and fewer tears every day.

Time heals most wounds, and this too will heal.  And it's not the end.  Not to mention, I still have a wonderful life...a selfless and supportive husband, two beautiful children, family and friends, a testimony of God and Jesus Christ, hobbies I enjoy, my first vegetable garden to plant, spring approaching!  So many people who love me, and things that make me happy.  Just not a baby at this time.

I'm a pretty transparent person.  I don't hold much back, I like to understand and be understood, I'm just all around very open and honest in almost everything.  And with this particular bit of adversity, I shared my sorrow as it happened instead of after.  Anyone who asked, I told.  Some who didn't ask, I told!  And I am so glad.  So many many people have shared my burden, have helped me along.  THANK YOU FOR THAT.  Every bit of your kindness and love, every email, message, phone call, text, visit, card, meal, etc., has lifted me up and helped me to continue.  If nothing else, losing my pregnancy has showed me the tremendous people I have in my life.  While I wouldn't wish this on anyone, I do wish everyone could experience the outpouring of love that I have.  Thank you.  You've blessed my life far more than you realize.

Life truly is good.  And after all, it's better to look up, right?  So onward we go.